F*ck Should

Hey readers it’s Flo.  And how are you all doing a few days into a new era, otherwise known as the dawn of the apocalypse?  There’s my drama queen ways acting up again ;).  But seriously, what the fuck ‘merica?  I actually planned to write about something else, although entertaining, but nonetheless not as relevant given the news about the US presidential election.

I try to stay away from the media when it comes to these things, however I understand this is big news with Trump winning the election as this will have a global effect.   I can empathise with the Americans, having gone through Brexit here back in June.  You feel all sorts of emotions after the initial shock of the news. And not just the kinds of emotions you feel when you fight with your partner, or when you have a tense moment with a sibling.  It’s less direct, but bigger, like something heavy is hanging in the air. Almost like a sense of alienation, like the neighbours that you’ve come to know and love, are not the people you thought they were.  There is also a feeling of fragmentation happening, but on a large scale. And let’s face it, it feels really shitty!

This is not an isolated theme either. I mentioned Brexit earlier, where the people voted more to the right and in favour of leaving the European Union.  This result is now having a ripple effect on other countries within the EU including France, the Netherlands, Hungary, Poland…just to name a few who may now vote for their own EU referendums.  In Asia, the new brash and outspoken President of the Philippines is trying to “clean up” the drugs and corruption by extreme methods and alienating his own people in the process.

Let me be clear, I’m not making any political statements.  It’s just not my vibe. I just want to talk about the bigger issue we’ve got here. And that is disconnection.  The universe has a very interesting way of giving us exactly what we need, when we need it.  Because it doesn’t give a fuck about how uncomfortable or difficult the experience will be, whatever happens after, is the result that is meant to be.  At the moment there is an overwhelming sense of disconnection and the universe will let it play out so we may sort out our shit.

I’d like to talk about my own story with disconnection.  Like the global fragmentation I mentioned, last year I was experiencing my own version in my personal life.  In the autumn of 2014, I split with a long term boyfriend and was utterly devastated.  After it happened, I realized how much I didn’t know how to be by myself.  I’d been in back to back monogamous relationships since I was 14 and just didn’t know how to deal with being alone, and alone in crazy London to boot!  So how did I deal with my loneliness?  I threw myself into my career and worked ridiculous hours.  I also found it really difficult to be in my own thoughts, so my spare time was dedicated to online dating apps and partying.  As I swiped left or right to secure my next conquest, I also swiped away the connection I had with myself.  Life went on like this for nearly a year.  Don’t get me wrong, I had A LOT of fun during that phase and came out with a pretty ripped thumb from all the app action happening.

It’s only now that I’m out of that phase that I can see how much of a wreck I actually was.  I ran myself into the ground overextending myself for others, stressing out about deadlines and not getting proper rest – just generally not taking care of myself.

I found myself in A&E in the autumn of 2015.  I had caught a virus and the combination of the really bad flare up of eczema on my face caused the sores to spread very quickly.  On Wednesday the sores made an appearance, and I woke the following Friday to a full blown infection of painful sores on my face and a fever.  Apart from a bruised ego because my usual smooth skin was nowhere to be seen, it was the fear of the unknown that was worse.  I knew this was a bit of an emergency, so I called a cab and went to the nearest A&E. In the back of the cab I just sobbed, feeling the lowest and the most lonely I’ve ever felt.  I can’t believe I’m gonna show you these pictures, but I’d like you to understand how bad it was.

I was diagnosed with an illness called eczema herpeticum and made the right decision to get myself to the hospital when I did.  I left with a prescription of a few antibiotics, creams and instruction to rest.  However, the damage was done and I understood the universe saw I needed to slow the fuck down.  My body listened, even if my mind was in denial about what was happening.  I spent the following week of recovery in reflection.  What’s happened to me?  How did I get here? I don’t even know who I am anymore…  All the tears I cried didn’t seem to alleviate the confusion and all I felt was sorrow for myself.  Something wasn’t right, I was feeling very disconnected and although I could always find something to smile about, I wasn’t truly happy.  I had so many questions and I wanted to find the answers to all the “why’s”.  This was my turning point and I made the decision to make some much needed changes in my life to achieve harmony.

I didn’t tell you this story to score sympathy points. I just wanted to make a point about how shit happens for a reason and the law of attraction is real.  A series of negative events happened in my life and I was heading down a very destructive path. As a result, I paid for it.  I was not living authentically, instead it was an existence in a life of distraction to mask all the really difficult emotional shit I didn’t want to deal with.

My point is, sometimes you can’t stop the roller coaster of life on its road to doom. You can see all the areas that need work, and may not know how to even begin fixing it. That’s when the aftermath of the crash becomes important.  It’s only in the quiet that follows in the wake of destruction that you have time to gather yourself and your thoughts and ask yourself the “whys” that you never made time for before.  It may be forced on you, like it did me and I was faced with choices.  I could get better then return to the Flo right before I fell ill.  She was fun and familiar, but wreck less.  Or, I could step out of my comfort zone and follow a new path which was unknown and scary.  I chose the latter because the status quo just wasn’t good enough.

When Brexit happened here, I saw many friends do similar things.  They collected themselves and reassessed their position, as an expat it didn’t affect me the same way it did them.  I also can’t speak for Americans after the election, however from what I see, there are similarities after the initial shock subsides.

I can only speak for myself, and in my opinion, I see the overall pattern.  The law of attraction is real and disconnection creates negativity.  This can become a breeding ground for all sorts of shit you don’t want in your life.  Which usually leads to a downfall.  Its only when you hit rock bottom, you reassess. Because at the bottom, there is nowhere to go but up.  The climb isn’t easy. For me, it’s taken another year of looking long and hard at myself in the mirror to really come into my own again. For others, this may be different.

You may not have an experience as dramatic as mine and I’m also not advising on what to do after a momentous event like the US presidential election.  I also hate pointing fingers so I’m not blaming anything specific for the series of events in America or globally, however bear in mind that everything happens for a reason.  Change is inevitable after something like this and I certainly believe that thinking for yourself can go a long way. Creating a connection is valuable, I’m not talking about connection with your external world through the media or any of that crap because then you’re still living how others say you should. Fuck should. I’m talking about connecting with yourself and what it means for you to live authentically and establishing your own values in life.  This can be your guide and the rest will follow.

I leave you with a tune I found helped me feel inspired for change. Its about wanting to find someone or something that could be the answer to all your problems, but questioning it; because inside you know the only one that can solve your problems is yourself. Until next time peeps.

Flo xxx

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