Diary of a Restless Rebel – 19 January 2020

(12 minute read)

Talk to me about a new cutting edge idea that questions the status quo and I instantly become an advocate for spreading the word. But does adopting this new idea mean I must let go of something I worked so hard and so long for?  Well, that’s when things get a bit more complicated. I’ve always taken pride in my free-spirit and progressive ways, and I enjoy being at the forefront of new ideas.  But turning those concepts into reality for me, have been a bit of a struggle.

For the last 4 years I’ve toyed around with the idea of a life change, however I had no idea what I wanted to change it to.  It was 2016 and I was living in London, UK. I was working as an interior designer for a luxury residential design firm, and feeling completely depleted from the daily grind. I wasn’t doing myself any favours either by enjoying late nights of revelry, and dealing with the daily incessant flow of people in one of the largest cities in Europe.  By the end of that year, change arrived like a meteorite as my application for a sponsored work visa was refused by The Home Office.  I was left with no choice but to return to Canada by Christmas, but officially it was called a “Voluntary Departure”.  The life I knew for the past 9 years was quickly swept away when I arrived in Toronto with my life fitting into 4 pieces of luggage and 1 carry on.  In the spring of 2017 still feeling homesick, I created a little London for myself: I began a new job in a similar role, moved into a similar neighbourhood in downtown Toronto and surrounded myself with similar people having similar late night situations.  Here I was, back to the daily grind.  Same shit, different pile comes to mind?

Unsatisfied with this modification disguising itself as a life change. I left my design job at the start of 2018.  I cushioned the decision by reminding myself that I could always return if I ever wanted to. Looking back, that was a straight up lie I told myself.  My plan was to move to Costa Rica, and my exact words to my boss when I handed in my notice was, “I just want to be a hippie on a beach and write for a while”. Spoken like a true free-spirit.  So I packed my things and headed off to paradise.  Only a few weeks in, I changed course and moved to New Orleans to be with a guy I had met during a debaucherous holiday to The Big Easy.  Yeah, I know it sounds really foolish, but the free will I experienced from throwing my middle finger up at the Rat Race made me feel powerful, confident and independent. My spirit was rebelling against the restraints of working in structure.  With deadlines, high end clients and bosses who, lets face it, don’t give a shit about you or how much blood, sweat and tears you pour into making THEIR lives better in THEIR multi-million dollar homes.  I was craving meaning in the work I did, and felt like my time on this planet had a greater purpose than what I was doing.  Sound familiar?  I’m definitely not the first to be going through this type of crisis.  I’m in that weird phase when you’re too old for a quarter-life crisis and too young for a mid-life crisis.  Welcome to what’s called a 30’s life crisis – a time of reflection, re-evaluation, and resettling.

2018 seemed to spin me off into a place where I felt more lost than ever. If we’re getting metaphysical about it, 2016-18 were big years of eclipses in my sign of Aquarius, peaking in 2018.  The objective of eclipses in astrology is change, they’re a cosmic way to shake you out of complacency.  I asked for change and I certainly got it with these monumental ones. I returned to Toronto in the fall of that year, clinging onto an idealised concept of where I thought my life was going.  I thought I had a handle on it and I FINALLY was going to get there.  The problem is, I was trying to bend lives, situations, and jobs to fit into my plan.  And regrettably, I allowed my own fears of judgement, opinions and materialistic delusions dominate.  As a result, I ended up in another soul sucking job.  And towards the latter half of 2019 when that ended, I tried to return to design.  Only this time I couldn’t even make it past the interview process without feeling absolute dread about going back into a career I’d lost my passion for.  It’s as if I forgot why I wanted change in the first place and I was moving backwards, making decisions for the wrong reasons.  This was a principle that went against my natural state of looking forward with vision and an open mind.  I was left disappointed and massively discouraged again.  I should point out 2019 wasn’t a complete wash, my career still required liberation, however parts of my personal life was on the up.  Mainly my desire for the party life has diminished as I prefer to function hangover free these days. With a sober mind I was able to pick apart what was working and what wasn’t.

Let’s rewind to London, 2015.  My spiritual journey began after a series of events which you can read about in my blog post F*ck Should and with the help of my therapist turned spiritual guru. To be clear, its spiritual in the sense that I get in touch with my spiritual side through self-care, meditation, yoga and time in nature, I even went as far as making friends with a group of hippies in southwest England on my “quest to find myself”.  I suppose in the 70’s and 80’s its been labelled New Age, but these days it’s more widely accepted as “Wellness”.  New age for the new age sans the flowing hemp trousers and patchouli.  I have always been drawn to the metaphysical and even had a few readings done by psychics. One very special visit with a psychic in London was life changing.  She read tarot cards and was a medium and clairvoyant. I was so inspired by her talents as I watched her comfortably communicate with invisible energies.  Barely knowing me 5 minutes she said, “You’re a very spiritual person, you could do everything I’m doing”.   Since then her words resonated in me and I picked up my first deck of tarot cards shortly after I relocated to Toronto.  The cards have been a part of my daily life ever since.  Reading the tarot and tuning in to my spiritual self has provided me with a sense of calm and confidence that I haven’t felt before,  and at times has saved me from going into a complete mental breakdown.  I’ve now honed my skills well enough to pass on guidance to others who need clarity in their own lives. This was working for me, this nourished my soul. And as such, I’ve now decided intuitively to focus my energies in this direction.

It appears I’m not the only one and I’m part of a great spiritual awakening.  According to sources, in recent years the metaphysical industry has gone through a boom especially amongst millennials.  While belief in organised religion has declined, technology is on the rise.  And more and more young people are turning to psychic services and the occult for guidance.  The ability to attach your own meaning to your journey has been a key aspect of interest for the highly influential group, and me.

With the end of the last decade behind us and the start of the new one just beginning, I’ve listed some valuable lessons I’ve adopted:

Listen to your spiritual self/ higher self/ intuition.  When things get hairy this is one soul you can count on to lead you in the right direction no matter what.

Change is a necessary evil for our growth in this universe.  Whether you’re excited or fearful of change, it is probably one of the most painful things we can endure as a human being.  The best thing to do is accept it and ride the wave of discomfort the best you can.

“Nothing to fear, but fear itself”.  Fear is a big signal that you’ve come across an important lesson to be learned.  Deal with the fear with courage, failing to means you’ve lost control and someone else will step in and take control of your life for you.

Don’t turn down assistance when it’s offered to you.  Coming to terms with my own vulnerability through the years has been a learning curve. Part of that is learning to ask for help when you need it, and accepting it when it’s offered.

Forgiveness is a skill that must be learned.  For others and yourself.  We can be our own worst enemies and critics.  Life already poses great challenges,  we don’t need to hate ourselves and our past to make it more difficult.

Step into your power and let yourself shine.  This can be difficult, because haters are going to hate.  But in the grand scheme of things, you’ll endure this for a while and the ones that matter will stick, the rest will just fall away. People are fickle and have their own life journey, live and let live.

Although my exploration to metaphysics began as a spiritual journey into healing, it has become an important element in my life and I feel more like myself now than I had in a long time.  I am grateful for being part of this great “global awakening of consciousness” being one of the latest trendsetters is just the cherry on top.


With Love, Flo xx


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